Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Bacon from a Hand Dryer

It has been several months since I have updated this blog and to be quite honest some of you have been very impatient waiting for its return. I’m sure you will understand why it’s been so long when I tell you that I have been in a coma for the last three months. When I say in a coma I really mean that sometimes I was too busy to write and other times I was too lazy. Being in a coma sounds like a much better reason for not updating a blog. And for those of you who are new to this blog and are offended by me making fun of the comatose state then you should probably stop reading this blog and go read one about various types of house plant that can grow in moderate to high amounts of sunlight.

Truth be told, this blog would have sat dormant for even long had it not been for a hand dryer I saw this weekend. The hand dryer was like any other I suppose. It included drawings of how to use the hand dryer (who needs a drawing seriously?) that portray a person’s hand drying under a gust of warm air coming from said dryer. You can tell the air is warm because in the drawing it is the color red. On this particular hand dryer there was a message right next to the drawing etched into the metal no doubt by some teenager who had way too much time on his hands and who though a lot like me because the message read “FREE BACON”. It took me a while to figure out that the artist was describing the scene on the dryer. The warm gust of air looked exactly like a single strip of bacon coming out of a hand dryer. I think that all bathrooms should have bacon dispensing machines. I believe it is more important than toilet paper to be honest.

The fact that I had never noticed the similarities between warm cartoon air and bacon made me want to blog about the experience. But if I just sat here and rambled about bacon I would lose all of you to something more interesting like…watching someone read. So I decided to tell you about the whole wedding and not just the part where I went to the bathroom and someone else was in there so I had to wash my hands so they wouldn’t think I was gross and then I had to dry them because they were wet and that’s when I saw the bacon. I actually learned a lot at that wedding. Most of it won’t matter tomorrow but at least it will be entertaining today.

First I learned that some women buy really long shirts and wear them out in public as dresses. My wife and I were grossed out on several occasions when someone, who shall remain nameless (if I had a name I’d give you one but I only knew like 7.5 people at the wedding and none of my family is that dumb) bent over to grab a cookie or 17 and showed off her junk and trunk to the entire room. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeewughhhhhhhhh! When a person buys clothes they really should know what purpose that piece of clothing serves. I have never in my life tried to wear a sock as a shirt or a shirt as a pair of pants…except that time at camp when I was trying to be funny. You can’t get away with wearing a shirt as a dress unless you are five years old and are using your dad’s shirt for pajamas.

I also learned middle aged men dancing is one of the most fascinating things I have ever seen. I don’t know what it is about 50 year olds that makes them move so funny. There is a weird progression to their dancing. First, there is the conservative phase. This usually takes place when they are dragged onto the dance floor by their wives and realize that everyone in the room including the woman with a walker has more rhythm than they do. This type of dancing usually involves little more than rocking back and forth from foot to foot. Second comes the acceptance phase. This comes a result of realizing that dancing is fun and it doesn’t matter that you look like a wooden toy. This type of dancing usually involves wild flailing of the legs and sometimes arms. People move from stage one to stage two very quickly when alcohol is involved. The third phase is called compensation. This occurs when the middle age man realizes that everyone stares at him when he is “cutting a rug”. The man then tries to compensate by acting like he actually knows how to dance. He pulls moves like the lawn mower, the sprinkler, the really bad moon walk, the worm, the shopping cart, and the country stomp. Finally, there is the phase of defeat. This happens when the older man is either hurt by his violent jerking or when he is laughed off the dance floor. When I’m at family weddings and see people dancing I sometimes feel like I am watching an obscure mating ritual of a blue footed booby (the bird) and it makes complete sense to those involved but to those watching it is either awkward or really funny.

Last but certainly not least I had the privilege of watching my family members interact; particularly how my parents gravitated towards my 6 month old nephew Atreyu. They are like putty in the hands of a new born. They talk in weird voices, make baby noises and tell anyone who will listen how great it is to be a grandparent. This reminded me of my relationship with my heavenly father. When I draw close to him and rest in his arms he is just like my dad when he holds Atreyu; full of joy, protective, willing to do anything for his grandchild. God loves to hold his children and loves when they abide and take rest in his arms. He takes pleasure in our obedience and in return we find peace and contentment when we don’t struggle to get free of his grasp. It is amazing what God can you when you sit still, watch, and be open to his leading.

So the wedding was not only fun but also educational and eye opening. Who knew you could learn so much about bacon, hand dryers, wardrobe no no’s, dancing, and God and one wedding? I feel as if my blog spark has come back and I will now be spewing out more random stories and life lessons than you could possibly gather in a five gallon bucket or a faded blue kiddy pool. Stay tuned for more products from this manufacturer and as always, thanks for reading!